I don't post much on this blog, do I?
I really want to be one of those people that journals, or writes down the things that happen to them. I want to be a scribe of some sort, you know? That person who records the cool things going on in their life, to use their personal experiences to connect with others. I also want to be able to write down more here than just theatre stuff, to show a range of personality... but it's hard, you know?
It's hard to force yourself to take the time to write. To share. After working a day job for 8.5 hours, and then finally getting home, it's hard to make yourself do more than just lounge. To relax. You get mentally fried by the capitalist schedule we all keep. You don't want to be seen by people, after they've seen you all day, even if it is a digital sense of the word.
This has been especially troublesome for my writing. In working with Tony Lawry on an adaptation of CYRANO, I had deadlines that were either self-imposed, or imposed by him. I could use those; those would keep me honest in doing my work, and not putting it down. Now, though, with that show cast (as noted in my previous and brief blog post), I'm right back in the slump I was in.
A friend of mine reached out to me to work on making a stage adaptation of his web series (more about this later as details become finalized, and I get his approval to mention it), but there's no deadline on it right now, and it's very much in the beginning planning stages. Without a deadline, it's easy for me to just think "Oh, I don't know anything concrete right now, so I'll just wait until the muse comes to me." Instead, I should be propelling myself forward, forcing myself to plot it out. The efficient mind might say to wait, to limit the number of edits, and amount of wasted time from writing or working on an idea that isn't fully fleshed out, but where's the line here? When do I side with efficiency, and when do I side with art for the sake of itself? For the sake of myself?
Then there's the argument that I could simply begin writing one of my original ideas down, or editing my original work that I've yet to "finish." The idea, of course, being that I can use those avenues to keep myself working and creating, while not "wasting" any time on the series-to-stage adaptation. But all of that just sounds like work, too.
I'm taking time to play video games, and watch Netflix when I go home. To free my mind. I seem to have a habit of this pattern: writing in a fervor to complete the task at hand, only to then not know what to do, feel drained, video game and watch TV, do that until I'm utterly ashamed of wasting my time and not working toward being the artist I wish to be, and then writing in a fervor to complete the task, only to then.... you get the idea.
I don't mean to present this information as though I'm the only person to encounter this phenomenon. I'm not so self-involved as to think this only affects me, and no one else goes through this exact circumstance. I'm merely sharing that's where I'm at right now.